Photo: Contributed - AP

John Mayer and Taylor Swift perform together (on stage) in December, 2009

Gather 'round, folks; it’s time to do some good ol’ John Mayer trashin’.

Before we begin, I’ll preface this by saying that as a musician, the guy’s actually not all that bad. Sure, his songs often cross the fine line between thoughtful and cheesy, but his musical prowess is usually not in question when people bash him.

His personality, however, is what does him in every time. It’s his Achilles heel.

Mayer’s douchiness is like what the pick-a-nic basket was to Yogi Bear: it always gets him into deep doodoo. And the media is like Ranger Smith, dishing out the punishment. Yet we always seem to forgive him and wait until he goes and steals another picnic basket.

Anyway…

So what’s got John’s man panties all up in a bunch these days? Apparently, he takes exception to the fact that Taylor Swift is writing songs about him that - oh poor baby - hurt his wittle feewings.

In the latest issue of Rolling Stone magazine, Mayer says that the song ‘Dear John’ humiliated him.

“It made me feel terrible,” he says. “Because I didn’t deserve it. I’m pretty good at taking accountability now, and I never did anything to deserve that. It was a really lousy thing for her to do.”
…
Mayer now tells Rolling Stone that he learned about Swift’s feelings directly from her song. “I never got an e-mail. I never got a phone call,” he says. “I was really caught off-guard, and it really humiliated me at a time when I’d already been dressed down. I mean, how would you feel if, at the lowest you’ve ever been, someone kicked you even lower?” When asked about the song’s line, “Don’t you think I was too young to be messed with?” Mayer says, “I don’t want to go into that.”

Mayer also takes issue with “Dear John” as a musician. “I will say as a songwriter that I think it’s kind of cheap songwriting,” he says. “I know she’s the biggest thing in the world, and I’m not trying to sink anybody’s ship, but I think it’s abusing your talent to rub your hands together and go, ‘Wait till he gets a load of this!’ That’s bullsh*t.”

There are SO many things wrong with this. I don’t even know where to begin.

I’ll start with the guy’s perspective: we’re all saying, “Seriously, dude? WTF! You are literally whining about the fact that your obscene wealth (and to a lesser extent your musical talents) allowed you to get a hot, young, more-famous-than-you musician to sleep with you, and then you kick her to the curb. But somehow SHE has the nerve to write a song about it? Get over yourself.”

His whinings also make him quite the hypocrite. You may or may not recall a story last month that reports one of his latest songs, Shadow, is all about Jennifer Aniston. 

Remember, Johnny Boy, Jen dumped you because you thought you were Steven Tyler and it was the 70’s and you could get away with sleeping with as many groupies as you could get your hands on. Sidebar: did you know that Steven Tyler would make the groupies shower before he spent a lovely evening with them?

And just in case you happened to forget what a romantic guy Mayer is, just a few weeks ago he admitted to Jimmy Fallon that he used the steamy hot book “50 Shades of Grey” as a device to pick up chicks.

Mayer recounted how he noticed that a woman was reading the mommy porn novel, so he took the initiative and said, 'I'm gonna sing it to you.'

“So I sang one of the pages," he told an incredulous Jimmy Fallon.

The woman's reaction? "She fell to the ground laughing," he said.

“And then I did her,” he didn’t say.

Will T-Swizzle fire back? She may be much younger than Mayer, but I’m guessing Swift will keep mum. Although I hate to admit it would be great Soup fodder if she did have something to sling back at him.

Stay tuned…