What do you do when you have elderly parents who you do not live close by and they are starting to have memory loss and confusion? In addition, you do not get along with your siblings who do live close to your parents.

To stay in contact with your parents you call them on a regular basis. During your conversations they mention that they have fallen, or are taking a medication but do not know why. They say that are still going to doctors’ appointments on their own because between the two of them they do not need anyone else. Now you are also concerned about how well they are eating and their hygiene.

You may not realize that your parents are saying what they believe to be true but in reality it is not. You do not know this because you are not around to see how their memories are changing.

Do you call your siblings who you do not get along with and tell them that they have to start to attend medical appointments? Even with your best intentions, this is easy for you to say as it is not your time being committed.

Are you taking into consideration what you siblings are already dealing with? Are your parents insisting that they go to appointments by themselves to keep their independence? Are your siblings getting telephone calls from your parents on a daily basis for minor things that your siblings do not have time to deal with because they are also caring for their children?

Often siblings who do not live close to their parents only see one side of what is happening with taking care of their parents and that might not be reality.

Family dynamics are powerful. Parents may not want to bother one child because in their eyes that child is so busy already. They might call more often and be more demanding of a female child because again in their eyes it was always the female who you called if you needed something.

Elderly parents can become very demanding and expect their children to do what they have asked to be done, immediately, such as going shopping this afternoon or shoveling their walks as soon as it snows.

The children who do not live close by are hearing from their parents their perception of what the other children have not done for them. Without knowing the total situation, this could inflame the situation between the siblings even more.

To improve family dynamics and prevent future misunderstandings, it is extremely important that siblings communicate when it relates to their parents. This might be even harder to do if the family includes stepchildren.

It might be the time that all of the children set aside their differences for the sake of their parents and discuss what needs to be done to protect and care for their parents. Make sure that all of the important papers are in place for when their parents can no longer make decisions for themselves.