God (or, if you so prefer, some random, totally fluke-y big bang-y kind of thing) knew the importance of good packaging right from the start. It’s hard to sell anything if it isn’t wrapped up right. You can have the most appealing of male or female forms but without the skin to wrap it all up they’re just plain yucky. Yes, the human body is a miracle of engineering, blah, blah, blah and all that but if we spent each day walking down the street with Saran Wrap for skin I am fairly certain the current exuberance with which our species procreates would stall dramatically. Innards on display is a tough sell.

Ad gurus know that when it comes to selling stuff packaging is usually more important than the stuff being sold. Pour someone a handful of carbonated water, sugar and phosphoric acid and they’ll yell at you for making their hands goopy. Put it in a curvy bottle with a red and white logo and spend the rest of your time counting the money. What’s inside may be important but without the package it’s really just a soupy mess.

So in that vein could someone please inform the brain trust at Coke Zero they may have things slightly backward?

I have waited and waited and waited, hoping against hope that they would finally get tired of this asinine ad campaign. I was so certain it would be dead and buried by now that I have studiously avoided commenting on it. Surely it was an advertising aberration – a new guy maybe – some dude who would quickly be fired, thus allowing everything to return to normal. Well, no such luck. They just keep pushing it and I really cannot understand why.

While I often defend oddly compelling characters starring in bizarre vignettes I cannot abide the abomination Coke Zero is foisting on us. This series has at least three different ads that I’ve seen, and all feature some version of human innards and body parts arguing over the reality of Coke Zero’s “astonishingly” good taste.

Personally, I have no proof that whatever weird alchemy they engage in to remove the calories while protecting the taste is unsuccessful in any way I have personally found that when it comes to my own life everything worth having has a price. The day they invent a hamburger that doesn’t lead to a fat ass is the day a hamburger is no longer worth having.

The stars of these odd spots are an eyeball with a French accent, a couple of British tongues, a stoner finger and one extremely cranky brain. This collection of…pieces…argue and slag each other back and forth as they drink and discuss Coke Zero. How is this a good idea? When I think of body parts sitting around on a table liquid refreshment is not at the front of my mind. My first thought is of some weird news item about devil worshippers freaking out a New Hampshire hamlet or that some group of Russian mobsters got drunk on vodka and decided to put their own spin on the Soprano’s. Even grocery stores are smart enough to put gross things like dog and cat food with the non-edible merchandise. Why would Coke Zero want me thinking of mucky dissembled organs when I see a bottle of their latest offering?

I get that the argument the chatty body parts are having is supposedly serving the product well. Each of these seemingly disparate parts is seeing a different side of Coke Zero and discussing how they simply cannot believe it is not the same as regular Coke. The problem for me remains that while it may be kind of funny it’s still gross and mooky overall. The stuff inside our bodies is supposed to be hidden – not marching around the room selling soda.

I guess rather than fixating on the awfulness of these ads I should be worrying about the folks over at Trojan or Durex or whatever. Sure as shootin’ they’re rubbing their hands together at the possibilities stand-alone, chatty body parts offer for them and their products. Ewwwww…….