I want to die, I really do. Not immediately, of course. I still have more than a few things I’d like to accomplish (pilot a jet, climb a mountain, give Hugh Hefner a wedgie, etc.) but no matter what, I am fairly sure death will eventually come my way. Personally, I’m okay with that. It’s the journey we all sign on to the day we’re born. And obviously, physical aging will be a fairly significant part of the overall trip. Now, I’m headed for forty and things like spare tires you can’t lose, bald spots that only get bigger and eyes that require operating room quality surgical lamps to read anything smaller than a highway sign are meaning more to me than they ever did before. It only stands to reason then that Just For Men and all their products would be charging right up my alley. Thing is, they’re not and in fact they are actually starting to bug me.

Just For Men is running a new ad right now for their newest must have. It’s a hair coloring product specially designed to brighten one’s mane up yet still leave a little grey behind – just to keep that “experienced” look around the temples.

The spot opens with footage showing black and white shots from the 60’s – Woodstock, surfing, folks being young and looking cool. The voice over rolls out overtop a sixties guitar riff “The generation that swore it would never get old, didn’t.” We then see three boomer dudes surfin’ the waves and joshin’ each other around. The voice over continues: “Welcome to the summer of life” – now we see beach parties, boozing it up, playing hoops (and kicking young man butt, no less). They go on to announce there is now an official hair treatment for “the summer of your life” from Just for Men called “Shades of Grey.” Now we see a boomer rockin’ out on stage as a hottie hangs all over him. We get the expected product shots before one of the boomer dude-ly dudes offers some advice: “Never trust anybody over 90.” Then he laughs. He laughs the laugh of the confident man enjoying the “Best. Life. Ever.” Okaaaay………..

For the record, no single ad I have ever seen has done more to make me hate baby boomer men quite like this one.

Watching these self-important, blow-dried, dill-holes jump around makes me wonder why the hell they can’t just grow up and get over themselves. I mean seriously, give it a rest. I appreciate the whole “holding on to your youth” thing but give me a break. These rods are taking up valuable cool space that young men on the rise should be filling up – surfing, playing in bands, whatever. Who needs these Viagra-fueled freaks cruising nightclubs gumming up the works by playing Peter Pan? These schmuckos should be grandfathers by now. Instead they’re visiting Mazatlan with some mid-20’s Poli-Sci major named “Chasey” who “just can’t get enough.”

And now Just For Men gives these self-obsessed fountain of youth junkies a product to keep just enough grey in their hair to provide fake gravitas? They’ll need it. It’s hard to be considered knowledgeable or wise when you’re doing belly shots off some Thai hooker during your “summer of life.”

I know there’s something wrong with me. There has to be. I am genuinely sincere when I say I look forward to getting older. I want to wear pants that come up to my armpits. I want to get dressed and not give a flying Zagnut what anyone thinks. How relaxing will it be to finally step outside the house and not give one hairy monkey’s butt what anyone else thinks? While Johnny boomer lies on his deathbed getting his eyes Botoxed I plan to be wearing plaid pants and farting without ever once trying to hold it in. Permanent youth is an illusion that will only serve to drive most practitioners insane (see Jackson, Michael).

I don’t hate boomers directly but I fear the more they play this ad over and over the odds that folks will start aiming the business end of their Buicks at these preening man-gods will increase exponentially. Beware youth obsessed male baby boomers: You may think that life’s a never-ending party but there are many coming behind you that would prefer you to settle yourselves down and get the hell out of the way. You’ve had your time. Let someone else get a shot before it really is too late.