Celebrities do press junkets. That is, they fly to and fro all over the world doing press conferences and interviews on all manner of mediums to promote and otherwise hype their latest movie. This is considered something of a given in the push and pull of stardom. A given, that is, unless you happen to be Mr. Eddie Murphy.

Now, Eddie’s been making movies for a long time. Nearly 30 years in fact. And some of them have been amazing, funny, great pictures. Others, well, it can most charitably be said that Eddie’s had more than a few chances to make nothing more than a great big wad of cash for humiliating himself. Really, there is no way in earth anyone would ever admit to having anything to do with some of those stinkers if he wasn’t being paid four or five times his fat-suited weight in gold. I mean “Norbit?” That role alone cost the poor dude an Oscar for Dreamgirls.

Anyway, Eddie Murphy has a new movie out called Meet Dave. Now, it’s very likely you haven’t heard of it. There are two good reasons for this: One, it was pretty much dead on arrival at the box-office as theater owners more or less ripped the Meet Dave projector spool in half trying to free up space for more screenings of the Dark Knight. The other reason was good king Eddie’s invisible man approach when it came to promoting the dreadful event.

Seriously, the guy didn’t even show up to the premiere of the movie and they held it in LA. I am sure he was otherwise occupied, whether it was jumping about Uncle Scrooge-like in his Bel-Air money bin or offering rides to random strangers. But here’s the rub: there was some genuine Eddie-centric promotion after all. Believe it or not, the producers had a 15 foot high steel and foam Eddie Murphy head hauled all over the US for more than a month. I kid you not, a massive, puffy head was dragged around on the back of a flat bed truck as a promotional stunt in lieu of Eddie’s real presence.

The story goes that the three-ton head was the perfect representation of the movie as it was about “Eddie Murphy” as a giant spaceship being driven by a mini “Eddie Murphy” steering inside his head. While I can certainly get behind the sheer spectacle of a giant reinforced expanded polystyrene “Eddie head” cruising down the I-5, I’m skeptical that it would convince me to buy a ticket to see the theatrical train wreck it most certainly represented.

I can just imagine how thrilled the producers were with this one:

“What do you mean Eddie won’t do a junket?”
“He said it’s not in his contract.”
“How are we supposed to sell this thing?”
“Word of mouth?”
“Are you trying to be funny?”
“Sorry.”
“Is there anything he’s willing to do for this film?”
“Well……..”

And the rest is 18-wheels of rolling history.

It might seem something of a promotional let down to get a mere head cast out of Eddie when it comes to selling the film, but when you consider the horrific box office of this turkey it might be worth sending Eddie a pretty generous gift basket after all. I’m willing to bet dragging that head up and down the interstate cost a whole hell of a lot less than having Eddie’s privileged butt circumnavigate the globe sampling private jets, five star hotels and thousand dollar dinners. They dodged a bullet on that one.

I chide poor Eddie but I do share a sort of special bond with him. You see, once upon a time Eddie Murphy was shooting a film near me and I ended up paying $500 bucks for a $3000 jungle gym that had been provided to entertain his kids while he was on location. I may be dreaming but could lightning actually strike twice? Failed movies aside, that “Eddie head” would make a pretty fine addition to my backyard set-up. I’ve got my fingers crossed...