Just how over-the-top must an ad be to find itself canceled because of complaints before it's run even once?

Ask Heinz.

Up to this point the most controversial aspect of Heinz was its relationship to Teresa Heinz-Kerry and her famous fop of a husband Senator John Kerry. His run for the presidency a few years back riled some folks to such a level they actually refused to buy any Heinz products whatsoever to ensure none of their hard-earned dollars paid for so much as a thimbleful of gas in a Kerry campaign SUV.

Luckily (for his joint bank account anyway) Kerry lost, and any threatened boycotts more or less disappeared. That let good old Heinz get back to its knitting, which is more or less the squishing of tomatoes and the adding of sugar.

Cut to June 2008 when a brand new commercial for Heinz Deli Mayo began running in the UK. In the ad a young boy, suited up in his school uniform, tears into the kitchen of what can only be his house and specifically asks his “mum” for a ham sandwich to take to school. When “mum” turns around, “she” is a “he” – actually a big and burly deli man who responds in a thick (and it would seem New York) accent all his own. “Yeah, you got it kid.” He then slaps the wrapped sandwich down in front of the lad and says “Don’t forget, you got practice tonight.”

Then school boy’s sister enters the room asking, “What about me?” Our gruff deliman-mum teases her gently before making a sandwich and telling her she got extra ham but not to tell her brother. She smiles and says, “Thanks Mum” and cruises out the door just as her dad enters in a rush. Obviously late, he grabs his own lunch and heads for the door calling behind him, “See you tonight luv.” Deliman-mum is indignant. He yells “Hey, ain’t you forgettin’ sometin?” Hubby, realizing his haste was in error, softens and comes back to lean in for a full-on, mouth to mouth kiss with his deliman-wife. As the kiss ends deli man calls after the rushing hubby, “Luv you, straight home after work sweet cheeks” while the tag line appears: Heinz Deli Mayo – Mayo with a New York Deli Flavor.

This lovely spot was declared “the most complained about commercial in Britain this year.” In fact, back in the USA the American Family Association caught wind of the spot and told Heinz in no uncertain terms that it would be a serious mistake to try running the ad in the land of the free. Not wanting to fill their swimming pools with gallon drums of assorted sauces versus the usual tide of dollar bills, Heinz capitulated pretty quickly. They even deep-sixed the ad in Britain where folks are supposedly more sophisticated and open minded about such things.

Heinz claimed there was never any social agenda behind the ad, nor any attempt to portray a same sex relationship. They said it was a stab at humor with “mum” appearing as an authentic deli man to sort of complete the joke. Now, I watched the ad several times, and I dine regularly on irony, sarcasm and all that is tongue-in-cheek, but I gotta say the tone of that ad was just bizarre. It was never really clear what was going on. Was it funny or not? Was it a joke or not? Was it a same-sex couple or not? Why a full mouthed kiss and not a peck on the cheek? The story is that “advertising is about getting attention” but when such notice transmogrifies into actual customers threatening to leave your company stuck with enough deli sauce to float the QE II you act fast.

I doubt anyone will ever know what the real deal was behind the commercial. Things like this often seem to fade away. One point of note is realizing how many complaints it took to make it the “most complained about commercial” in Britain. I thought, “A few hundred thousand? Maybe a million?” Nope, it was just over two hundred. That’s it. Which really begs the question: If a commercial played in the forest and no one was around to see it, would it even exist? My guess is no, at least if you happen to live in the US of A.