Doggone great ideas

I wish I were better at marketing.

And by better, I mean I wish I had even the slightest idea of how to market things.

The Missus and I have come up with some awesome inventions over the years, but we have no clue what to do with the idea after it forms in our collective craniums.

Many years ago, we came up with the idea for the “air bra.”

The concept was simple: you place a tiny hand pump in a specially designed bra and should the need arise to em, er, enhance things, well problem solved.

All the wearer has to do is squeeze the pump a few times and voila. No medical procedures are needed.

The changes would be immediate and if you put in too much air and things grow a little too much, just release the pressure and things go back to normal.

Of course, the trick would be to make sure both sides inflate evenly.

Dumb idea you say? Probably, but several years after we came up with the idea, we saw an ad by a major clothing company for – that's right – an air bra.

You don't hear much about them now, so the concept must have deflated, but it was still an idea good enough for a major corporation to give it a shot.

A friend suggested we make air underwear for men, so they could um, er, enhance a certain area of their physicality. 

“Hey, if women can do it, why can't men?” was his argument.

I think I will leave that marketing campaign to someone else.

A few years after the bra inflator idea, we were driving with our two dogs in the backseat when another idea came upon us: doggie seatbelts.

Our mutts would bounce around back there — jumping from window to window — and if I had to hit the brakes really hard, they would always slam into the back of our seats.

Once, the littlest dog flew into the front seat. And that is where the doggie-seatbelt idea was born.

We had it all figured out. It would be like a harness that snapped into the regular seatbelt clip. No more risk of Fido becoming a projectile in the event of hard breaking or a collision.

We talked about it for a while, but due to our complete and total lack of salesmanship or marketing abilities, the idea crashed.

Until a few years later when we saw an ad for, that's right, a doggie seatbelt.

The design was similar to ours and we were wondering if perhaps we were being spied upon.

While the air bra was kind of a silly concept, doggie seatbelts are a great idea and had we been smart enough to market them, there is a chance I would be writing this column from my yacht in the Bahamas.

It would be a small yacht, but a yacht none the less. But alas, I have no marketing or sales skills.

I do have all sorts of ideas that are sure to make a small fortune should they ever make it to mainstream society.

If the Pet Rock, which was absolutely brilliant, can make its inventor rich, there has to be other silliness out there that can do the same for yours truly.

I don't know what they are yet, and when I do know it still won't help because I won't know how to market them.

OK, I will admit, there are a few holes in my get-rich plan, but at least I have a plan.

Anybody looking for an ideas man with no marketing skills?

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.