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World's largest election 
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Few know about this, but in a hidden room somewhere in Ottawa resides the The Machine. Our political leaders turn to The Machine for help with speeches and ‘image’, especially during elections.
The Machine has a lot of settings, with something for everybody from the tentative but idealistic ‘Let’s just be (sort of) truthful here, ‘kay?’ politician to the aging red-faced apoplectic ‘The damn world ended two days ago, thanks to the other party’ politician.
The Machine is an incredibly sturdy beast containing high-octane fueled rhetoric layered with turbo-charged fear-mongering, encased in an attractive yet functional 100,000 KSI steel shell. It can stand up to incredible abuse, even with politicians using it. Its sole purpose is to spew out appropriately mindless platitudes to sway the unthinking-yet-voting public.
On regular days, the most popular setting is the ‘For God’s Sake Make It Look Prettier Than It Is’ setting. A travel-happy politician, for example, might get this message from The Machine to pass along to his constituents:
“I work really hard for my beloved constituents, when I’m not taking tax-paid vacations to cool places.”
During elections, when emotions are at a fever-pitch, things ramp up and politicians generally switch to the ‘Fear-Monger Extreme, With Added Hysterics’ setting, which offers an enhanced version:
“Sure I might travel a bit because the research I need to do to keep you lot safe is honestly only available at 5-star hotels in exotic locations. Soooo sorry for caring so much. At least I’m not like my opponent who wants to turn Canada into Nazi Germany. His party is exactly like the Nazis, except they aren’t using the swastika symbol. Yet.”
The Machine was invented a long time ago, shortly after the powers-that-be realized, with a electrified shock, that voters care far more about appearance and emotionally manipulative platitudes than they do about the issues. This discovery created a time of joyous celebration among politicians, although it took years for them to work up to full steam. Well, they’ve arrived, all of them. They are at full-capacity full-steam, with no stopper.
The right-wingers were the first to really embrace the new concept of Empty Emotionally Charged Rhetoric, and soon they went from statements like this:
“The other parties will bring great harm to this great nation of ours. We will keep you safe. Trust us. Vote for us.” ~ old-timey right-wing politician
To this:
“Are you sure you want to see 95% of your wages taxed, and all your family forced to smoke marijuana, even your dear little helpless children? What next, heroin training camps? Anything is possible, you just don’t know!” ~ modern right-wing politician, using The Machine
The left-wingers were late to the game, but to keep up with things - and because it looked like an awful lot of fun to use - they, too, started using The Machine.
“‘A prison in every neighbourhood’ is their secret agenda! You’ll probably go to prison for not looking both ways before crossing the street! And the oil pipeline, don’t even get me started, that thing is going to be piped through elementary school playgrounds and nursing homes, and they’re using rusty pipes, because they hate little children and old people!” ~ modern left-wing politician
“You know, of course, that they’re going to raise the minimum wage to $30 per hour? It’s only a matter of time! And we’ll all be living on the street after they financially break this great country! And . . . and . . . UNIONS! Just think about that if you vote for them!” ~ angered right-wing politician
“They’re going to raise the retirement age to 90, so you’d better plan on hanging onto that job And they’re going to start a military draft, so your ten year old son is going to be far away, fighting terrorists, by next year! And the protected lakes, they’re secretly planning to turn them all into golf traps!” ~ infuriated left-wing politician
“Why would you want to destroy Canada by voting for them????” ~ sincerely agonized right-wing politician
“Why would you want to destroy Canada by voting for them????” - deeply agonized left-wing politician
Prediction: The politician who can spew the best emotionally-manipulative, fear-mongering empty one-liners that speak to the five-year old in all of us is a shoo-in.
Photo: Contributed
This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.
