Election voting guide

Wrote this item in 2011 for the last election. Same scenario, different year, so here's a rerun for you.

 

Here we are on the cusp of the federal election, and you are probably feeling pretty torn up inside, and are asking yourself, “Who should I vote for? What if I get it wrong? What would Jo Slade do?” These are all valid questions, especially the last one.

 

It’s really no big deal, just go out there and tick a box. Of course, if you vote for the wrong party, you could single handedly bring down the entire nation, and it will lay there in shambles at your feet, moaning about things. Don’t worry, though, because as long as you vote for the good guys, all will be well, for they will do everything right. They’ve promised.

 

The wrong parties have only one goal: to destroy this country by any means at their disposal. They are ruthless in this endeavour, they have late night meetings in murky back rooms to think up new ways to torment the citizens of Canada. Cigars are smoked, whisky is consumed, and corrupt deals are made in as nefarious a manner as possible. This is a proven fact, derived from an unimpeachable source: the other parties. The good party, on the other hand, enjoys early morning breakfast meetings in respectable rooms, and the time is spent polishing halos, thinking up good deeds, and handing out money and food to little ragged street urchins. 

 

The shenanigans played by the wrong parties are endless, and are, thankfully, exposed by other parties to keep citizens properly informed with facts. According to one particularly well-known party, one of the other parties, equally well-known, will, if elected, break Canada’s kneecaps with severe economic hardships. This truly shocks the first party, so much so that it feels faint if it thinks too much about it, but in the end it accepts that the other party just does things like that. The other side categorically denies every single thing said, and has declared that the first party will, if given half a chance, push Canada head-first over an economic cliff and will then laugh (maliciously) as the country smashes into the ground. The good guys, on the other hand, will quietly go about building a strong economy, which is, they have declared with tremendous conviction, the reasonable thing to do, adding that it is certainly better than turning the country into a bedraggled third-world nation, as certain other parties want to do.

 

And as just about anybody in three of the four parties will tell you, one party plans to ‘fix’ healthcare so that sick Canadians will simply be taken out and shot, and there will be a $5.00 user-fee for the service. In response, the accused party has offered almost irrefutable proof that at least one of the other parties will privatize healthcare to a point where Canadians will have to pay a fee just to take a painkiller out of their own kitchen cupboard. Further, it is an accepted fact among people who know the facts, that another of the parties wants to apply a user-fee for even thinking about taking a painkiller in the first place. There has even been talk that getting a headache at all should result in some kind of penalty. The party exposing this disturbing plan has said that it fervently hopes that the penalty in question is not the death penalty. Thankfully, we are assured that the good party, which has pledged to make healthcare work for everybody, will do so without using the death penalty. According to their spokesperson, “The death penalty for a headache will not happen on our watch.”

 

But wait, you say you’re sick of it all because you’re still recovering from the last election which seems such a short time ago? You’re sick of driving to the polling station? This is fixable. Some savvy Canadians have bought homes as close as possible to their polling station, and by living across the street, these forward-thinking citizens now have time to come home and enjoy a quick coffee after voting in one federal election before the next one is called. And rather than complain, remember that there are many valid reasons to have frequent elections, for example, it is Elections Canada’s way to recycle the thousands of roadside election signs before they become too faded.

 

So, now you’re ready to vote, and you only need to follow one easy rule of thumb: Vote for the good guys, you can’t go wrong. They’ve promised.