The perfect child

 

Once upon a time, in that alternate universe we generally call ‘the old days’, parents grabbed at any opportunity to show off the extraordinary beauty, exceptional intelligence, and remarkable artistic talent of their perfect children. They did this out of sincere pity for the victim audience - who was stuck with sub-standard children. It seemed a kindness to give them a glimpse of what they might have had, in different circumstances.

 

First of all, you had to trap the victim. This was done in a variety of ways, but the end result was always the same, you had the victim cornered, they had no escape short of knocking you down and running, and once the trap was sprung, you opened your wallet. 

 

They knew what it meant, too, when you opened that wallet. They knew you weren’t about to pay for lunch, not a chance. You were about to produce the wallet-sized photo of your perfect child.

 

They would sit, with bated breath, at the ready to draw their own wallet, and while they might be slower on the draw it didn’t really matter because in a wallet-slinging contest the speed of draw isn’t key to victory, the presentation is.

 

Subtle solicitation of compliments was critical to good presentation. “Yeah, so here’s the kid, guess he’s grown a bit since you last saw him.”

 

The victim was then compelled to say, while drawing her own wallet and barely glancing at the snot-nosed creature being presented, “Oh my, your child is SO AMAZING! Look at that good-looking boy, he will break hearts one day.” 

 

Your response was denial, of course. “Oh, well, he just looks like a kid to me, haha, but at least he has reasonably good teeth,” - and this is the moment where you would then cite someone else saying good things about your kid, and really, you could stick any old name to the words because you were making it up anyway, and nobody was going to fact-check - “Oh but who knows, haha, maybe if we’re lucky he’ll do alright. His teacher was saying just the other day that he is exceptionally brilliant in every single way that a child can be brilliant, oh it was so embarrassing, I just wanted to say, no, good heavens, truly, this is just an ordinary kid, but she was so excited I could not get a word in edgewise.” 

 

At this point, however, your victim would no longer be listening, she had her wallet open to her own perfect child. Your child was yesterday’s news in her mind, it was time to move on to hers, so she rushed through a quick, “Yesyesyourkidisgreat”, then added, “Oh you want to see Susan, I suppose, let’s see if I have a picture of her in here,” - despite you had given no indication that you wanted to see the little brat - “ah! there she is, we’re so hoping that one day she will grow out of that unfortunate sad-faced look she always has for photos.” You were forced to cede the floor to her mousy little scowl-face horror of a child and declare, with wide-eyed amazement, that she was the most beautiful little girl you had personally ever laid eyes on, and that her moody look would surely burn holes into the hearts of every boy in existence one day.

 

Thinking back on it, it seemed a lengthy process just to show off your kid, but it worked out okay, the job eventually got done, usually amid multiple martinis which helped to move the conversation on to much more interesting things such as the salacious goings-on of your open marriage neighbours.

 

Modern parents have streamlined the process, though, and the rules of engagement have changed considerably. Facebook has long since replaced wallets as the venue, and endless repetitive photos and videos have replaced that single little wallet-size photo of yore, yet it is still about showing other parents the shocking perfection of your child in the sincere hope that they regret having to be stuck with something so significantly inferior. 

 

However, with Facebook update-slinging replacing wallet-slinging, you’re at a distinct disadvantage if they draw first, because to draw immediately after someone else has drawn is seen as desperate, you have to wait at least two days before returning fire. Since there is no warning of a draw about to happen, you have to stay on top of things with pre-emptive strikes. And forget singular victim in this, with Facebook it’s a veritable AK47 attack of show-offiness, with dozens of victims slain in one bloodbath massacre. 

 

Worse, the modern process of child-centric snobbery is completely lacking in subtlety or any pretense of modesty, when showing their pictures they’ll even steal your obligatory words of praise. They pre-praise by telling you how cute she is, how handsome he is, how smart, how perfect - they say it all, they don’t leave one single thing for you to say in response. Worse, the subsequent discussion about the open marriage neighbours who are still at it after all these years never happens now, because they are on everybody’s facebook friend list and would not only read anything you wrote they would probably post detailed photos about it.

 

So, after enduring the unrelenting smug show-offiness of a parent who beat you to the draw, you are left without so much as a chance to fake a compliment, enjoy a decent martini, or engage in a bit of vicious gossip. All that’s left for you is the click of the ‘like’ button. 

 

And where’s the fun in that?