Seasoned hello

 

Oh no. Remembrance Day has passed and that can mean only one awful thing: It’s time for The Annual Bombardment of Everything Christmas.

 

Ahem, including, of course, this column. 

 

It happens that I have a long list of peeves about Christmas. 

 

 

 

1. First up is the strange idea that we have to buy at least one truly amazing gift that will wow the recipient so profoundly that they will have a heart attack, at which point they’ll need to exchange the gift for a bunch of bedside novels to read during recovery unless, of course, they just die on the spot, in which case there is that sweet bicycle you’ve had your eye on for some time now.

 

2. The endless-loop stream of ‘funny’ (read: mean-spirited) videos that’ll crop up anytime now - videos that show screaming kids who are genuinely frightened to be on Santa’s lap. What says Christmas better than making a video of your kid crying his heart out (he’s holding his arms out to you to hold and reassure him, isn’t that cute, and you would, too, but dammit you’re too busy recording, he will have to wait). You get to play the video again and again so your kids can see how much fun you have watching them cry. The best, of course, is that you then get to post your video on YouTube so it can go viral and millions of people can laugh at your kid for being scared and unhappy. If that isn’t the Christmas spirit, I don’t know what is.

 

3. And speaking of Christmas spirit: Even before Remembrance Day we saw the first stirrings of the ridiculous and repetitive Battle of Merry Christmas VS Happy Holidays. This new tradition involves, among other things, posting lots of memes on Facebook to let people know that by god you are going to say ‘Merry Christmas’, dammit, because, it is not ‘Happy Holidays’, it’s ‘Merry Christmas’, and you’re not ‘afraid’ to say it. You can’t help it, you’re just really brave like that. And if someone says ‘Happy Holidays’, you will, after defiantly throwing a ‘Merry Christmas’ in their face, curse them and, if given the chance, run them down with your car, because Christmas is all about kindness and generosity and good-will to all, except for people who say ‘Happy Holidays’. Here’s a tip: It really doesn’t matter which one someone says as long as it is said with good friendly cheer. You can respond by using my special greeting for this year, one that will keep things simple by offending everybody: “Seasoned Hello”. 

 

4. Businesses that so much as whisper the word ‘Christmas’ before Remembrance Day. Businesses that so much as whisper the word ‘Christmas’ before American Thanksgiving Day. 

 

5. Facebook. It’s bad at the best of times, worse during any holiday and absolutely awful for all of December and most of November. Walls reach new levels of inanities/piousness/cloyingness/pretensions/blessings/maudlinisms, etc. at this time of year. It rattles the brain. Aside from the Merry Christmas VS Happy Holidays schtick, you have the Annual Altruism-One-Upmanship schtick, the Season Is The Reason schtick, the Famous Christmas Quote By Someone Who Didn’t Actually Say That schtick, and, of course, 1,000,000,000,000 memes celebrating or vilifying Christmas.

 

6. Re The Annual Altruism-One-Upmanship Game. Yes, this is the time of year when you brag as much as possible about your wonderful efforts for charity. If a donation is done without an audience, does it count? Hell no. The secret is to come across as humble while doing it, which is tricky at best. You can’t say, “I gave a whack of money to Families of Happy Holidayers Murdered by Merry Christmasers - oh boy what a good boy am I!” No, you want to be all casual, “Yeah, so this FHHMMC is a pretty good cause, I can vouch for that because I donated a bit of money to them. BTW, Christmas presents will be smaller this year as a result, but it’s all for such a great great cause. Oh, hang on, the repo guy is here to repossess my car now. It’s okay. My money has gone to something more important.” 

 

7. Endless articles with tips on how to eat sensibly during the holiday season. Those articles are delusional, self-defeating, pointless, done-to-death, boring, and absolutely unnecessary. Eat and drink whatever the hell you want, it’s for two weeks tops, people. You’ll survive (and those who can’t indulge for health reasons, you already know I don’t mean you). 

 

8. People who go on and on about their Christmas holidays to warm climates while you sit, cold and cranky, in front of a fire that won’t burn because you set it up all wrong and there’s nothing you can do about it because you used up your last match. Hey, ‘Merry Christmas’ crowd, I’ll bet those sunbathing fools are ‘Happy Holidayers’. You should meet them at the airport when they return and yell ‘Merry Christmas’ at them before running them down.

 

9. Schools that don’t have Christmas plays anymore, and people who never stop whining about schools that don’t have Christmas plays anymore, and people who never stop griping about people who never stop whining about schools that don’t have Christmas plays anymore. I hate all of ‘em. 

 

10. I’ve saved the worst for last: Smart-alecky kids who know that it is far better to maintain the illusion of believing in Santa Claus because it means more gifts, especially the 

‘Santa-will-get-it-for-me-even-if-you-say-no’ gifts. That’s just . . . well, dammit, that’s just wrong, I’m appalled and sad at the state of kids today. And more to the point, I am devastated that I didn’t think of this angle when I was a kid. 

 

And so, in closing, a Seasoned Hello to all, and to all a Hello With Seasoning.