No, I don’t want you to call an ambulance!

Dear Nurse Kris:

Recently my wife fell, I couldn’t get her up off of the floor, she refused to let me call the ambulance, and she told me to stand in our building’s hallway until I saw someone who could help. So I did. When my neighbour came to help the two of us couldn’t move her either. We finally did call the ambulance. Now my wife is upset with me. What should I have done?”

Frank S, tired caregiver of ailing wife

 

Dear Frank:

I am sorry you experienced this. It sounds like you are trying hard to do the best you can and be responsive to your wife’s requests. You are in a tough predicament. You mention your wife is ailing, and with her recent fall it leads me to suspect you have been in the caregiver role for her, for at least a little while.

In health care, there is a phenomenon called “caregiver exhaustion”. This is what happens when caregivers ‘overhelp’. When one spouse cares for the other, it can be difficult to retain your objectivity. Being the sole care provider to your spouse, means dual roles for you. You are both husband, AND, caregiver.

There are a few sticking points with this dual role. You either cease being a husband, while you become your wife’s primary caregiver, or, you become over absorbed with the infinite details of your wife’s care needs and cease being a husband. Martyrdom is the next plane for you.

Being a Martyr, means you think you are the only person who can do things right for your wife, and the only one who really knows how to care for her. You will know when you’ve reached this point when your friends ask you how you are doing, and you respond with “Mary had a great BM today, wow, am I thrilled”.

Frank, the message here, is that you cannot be everything, to everyone. The reason your lovely gal married you, is because she likes you for the man you are. Marriage vows do not mean, that you must do everything yourself for your gal. Marriage vows and partnerships mean you ensure your loved ones needs are anticipated, met and carried through as best as you can possibly provide for.

Your goal here is to be the loving person you are, and ensure your wife’s needs are properly met. You want to give the best of yourself to your wife do you not? It’s difficult if not improbable to achieve, if you are also her primary and solitary provider of care.

As your wife’s needs increase, you’ll need to put in place more a more formal care giving structure. When an individual can’t move about comfortably or safely or can no longer perform all of their Personal Care, outside services (formal care) are there to help you and your lovely gal.

In Canada, each regional health authority, or equivalent, has the responsibility for assessing clients in need and determining what level of care can be provided. Interior Health authority, uses an income means test to determine what level of care and the associated cost if any, can be provided to you.

Some clients bypass the Health Authority entirely to avail themselves of the services of non-government personal care agencies which have the ability to schedule staff to arrive at specific times, the ability to match caregivers to clients, and keep that same caregiver for consistency in care.

For more information Frank, you should first speak to your local Interior Health Community Care office at 250-980-1400 to inquire about an assessment of your wife. Other options to explore would be any Veterans Benefits you or your spouse might have, or insurance products such as Long Term Care, Extended Health Benefits or Critical Illness Insurance which you may have been paying for all these years.

Frank, you sound like a caring spouse. Enjoy your role as a spouse more, and find others to help with care giving. I hope these suggestions help you and your wife.

Best,

Nurse Kris

This article is written by or on behalf of an outsourced columnist and does not necessarily reflect the views of Castanet.