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Ultimate online IQ test

It saddens me to say this, but there are suspicious people in the world who doubt the value and solid empirical scientific evidence behind online IQ tests.

I, err, I mean the suspicious people, dismiss these tests as nothing more than a sleazy tactic to go viral on facebook by offering soaring IQ levels to people who struggle with telling left from right.  

In fairness the tests on facebook do seem a bit too easy, so I hired a Veritable Whack of Geniuses to create a harder test. By taking this test, you are guaranteed to have an IQ. 

Tough Mudder Smarty-Pants: The ultimate online IQ test

Instructions: Sit up, face the computer screen, place both feet on the floor, sit on your hands, put down the beer, and stop rolling your eyes. You must fully concentrate on your response to each question. Be sure to speak clearly. Using advanced Interactivated Intuitional Thinkware© technology, the test software will intuit and analyze your answers. 

Vancouver is in 

  1. Greater Vancouver
  2. Saskatchewan
  3. Toronto
  4. Fruit Loops

The United States is

  1. large
  2. a province 
  3. in Asia
  4. Fruit Loops

2 + 2 =

  1. 4
  2. four
  3. fore
  4. for

E = mc2

  1. huh?
  2. no, I don’t think so, thanks anyway
  3. formula for doge
  4. is it raining today?

Hitler wanted 

  1. to have a functioning brain
  2. a fluffy white kitten
  3. pizza, no anchovies please
  4. world peace

The Beatles were

  1. 4 Americans
  2. 4 bugs, no Raid
  3. 4-tunate
  4. 4 shur

Donald Trump is

  1. a nut job
  2. the messiah, with bad hair
  3. your illegitimate brother
  4. Fruit Loops

Justin Trudeau

  1. is the president of Canada
  2. is the prime minster of North Korea, with good hair
  3. is your illegitimate brother
  4. can eat crackers in your bed

Did you go 

  1. there
  2. their
  3. they’re
  4. Fruit Loops

You should use all-caps 

  1. before someone on the Internet disagrees with you
  2. while someone on the Internet disagrees with you
  3. after someone on the Internet disagrees with you
  4. in an email to the moderator for removing your all-caps post

If you fell down, you would 

  1. get up fast if the beer was out of reach
  2. pretend to look around to see what tripped you
  3. go viral because everybody on the street put it on youtube
  4. die

To find out your IQ, click here.

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Must-read survival tips

This past weekend, an unexpected blizzard containing wind and snow and traffic jams swept through several eastern US states.

The entire world was surprised and saddened that such a bad thing could happen. That it could snow was surprising enough, but to the horror of all, there was wind, too.

BBC ran an entire section dedicated to this unusual winter weather event. They offered nanosecond-by-nanosecond updates on the situation, along with as much advice as they could find for their downtrodden American friends across the pond.

One of the most important, and most clearly needed, was a list of three critical tips on surviving a snowstorm.

The number three BBC tip for surviving a snowstorm:
Make sure you have at least three gallons (13.5 litres) of drinking water per person, per day

The number two BBC tip for surviving a snowstorm:
Tape the windows with bubble wrap to keep the heat in

Aaaaaand (drum roll please) the number one BBC tip for surviving a snowstorm:
Use your dog to measure the snowfall

Yes, this bears repeating. The number one tip for surviving a snowstorm is to use your dog to measure the snowfall. Measuring the snow level is critical to survival because: Cool facebook update.

Number three is a no-brainer. A snowstorm is probably going to make you extra-thirsty. And the snow outside cannot be melted into water because maybe you can’t get to it. Pro Tip: If you forgot to get your emergency water supply, turn on the kitchen tap. 

Number two is solid. It goes without saying that citizens will have enough bubble wrap at hand to cover all their windows. If not, why not? Pro Tip: If you popped all your emergency bubble wrap for fun, you’re going to die, and it’s your own damn fault. Bubble wrap is for windows, not for fun.

Number one is awesome. When it is time to measure your snow, it is important that you don’t just look out the window to see how deep it is, especially if the bubble wrap is distorting your view. Besides, the frequent bathroom runs to get rid of the gallons of water you’ve been consuming leave little time for looking out the window. So you just toss the dog out there, what the hell, he’s not doing much anyway.

There are, however, some concerns with using a dog as a snow measuring device:

Bad: What if your dog reports back using metric and you only know imperial? If your power is out, you will have no way to google a measurement conversion. 

Worse: What if your dog is a Chihuahua? It could be early spring before you see him again. 

Even worse: What if you don't have a dog? Will a cat do?

Intolerable unacceptable worst case scenario: You manage to get a measurement by sacrificing your dog to the elements, and suddenly the power goes out. Yes, that’s right. You have your measurement, but no facebook to show off. No dog, either.

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Snow shocks locals

Recent snowfalls have brought shock and disbelief to Okanagan residents.

“It was just snowing and snowing, snowing like crazy!” reported one concerned citizen.

Some locals say that snow should be expected in winter, as it happens every year in the Okanagan. Irate Kelowna driver Angus McCurmudge is appalled by the complaints.

“Buncha damn sissies. Why, when I was young, it snowed 10 feet in one hour, pretty much every day all day, and we drove around in it with summer tires on the car - and those tires were bald and sometimes flat, and we had the windows rolled down, and us only in our damned t-shirts, shouting ‘yahoo’ when we went over cliffs. And by god in those days ‘yahoo’ was what you shouted when you were driving around in snow with bald flat summer tires, it wasn’t a namby-pamby way to search things on the interwebs thing.”

Others weren’t as confident about the safety of summer tires in snow. Irate Penticton driver Henry Slowdownish claims that people are really just safest behind closed doors. House doors, that is. 

“It just isn’t safe out there, everybody should stay home. Summer tires, that’s just suicide! All-seasons, even worse! Snow tires, just a false sense of security, you think snow tires are going to work in the kind of snow we get here in the Okanagan? We get the real stuff, the bad stuff. Snow tires aren’t stopping anything in this kind of snow. Chains? Are you kidding? Chains’ll just fall right off because they can’t handle this Okanagan snow! Studs, too. Just fall right off.”

Some fingers have been pointed. Irate local resident Billy-Bob Bucky insists that Albertan drivers are the problem.

“They’ve never seen hills before, you see, and when you add snow to those hills, it gets them all confused and nervous. And they have those awful running boards on their Buicks, which is unsightly and distracting when you’re trying to tailgate and honk at them to make them speed the hell up.”

The snow has also caused concern among residents over the lack of timely snow removal. We spoke with irate West Kelowna homeowner Harry Hank, who reports,

“We waited outside for the snow removal boys right after the first .005 inch of snow fell, but sure enough, they just didn’t come. They just couldn’t be bothered, the bastards.”

Many feel that Trudeau is behind the appalling snow situation. According to irate Vernon resident Jimmy I-Voted-For-Harper Jones,

“Why am I not surprised at all the snow and complete lack of snow removal? You all voted in Pretty-Hair Trudeau as your Prime Minister, and now you wonder why things are going to hell in a liberal hand basket. Just don’t come crying to me when we become a third-world nation next week. I didn’t vote for him.”

Others blamed the refugee situation. Irate Lower Mission resident Madge Murphy, shivering in pink robe and matching pink bunny slippers in front of her lakeshore mansion, reports,

“If we didn’t have all those refugees running around living like millionaires while the rest of us starve and live on the streets, this wouldn’t even be an issue. The snow removal crews would be out there after the first snowflake, not after it builds up to impossible levels of an inch and sometimes even more.”

While most residents were upset with the lack of snow removal, people who did have their streets cleared were upset with the quality of service.

“They just drove up here and shoved all the snow to the side of the street! They should have taken it with them. What is the point of snow removal if they just leave it shoved all over the side of the road? This is Christy Clark’s fault, she is destroying our province with these serious snow removal issues!” says irate Peachland resident Jean Plomp.

As winter wears on, Okanagan residents continue to struggle with snow and each other, finding commonality only in one ardently shared belief: Albertans can’t drive.

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De-snark, refuel, snark

In which you will discover my resolutions for 2016, a review of 2015, some predictions for 2016, and, finally, a bit of wistful thinking.

My 2016 social media resolutions

1.  Will stop being snarky on facebook.

2.  Will feel terrible after immediately breaking the first resolution.

3.  Guilt will induce increased levels of snark.

4.  Will feel terrible again, but maybe just a bit less so.

5.  Lack of guilt will trigger good mood, causing an entire day to pass without snark.

6.  Will wake up on wrong side of the bed, snark-enabled.

7.  Will immediately seek out facebook and repeatedly break the first resolution.

8.  Snark containment restored, will not violently attack cut-and-paste-into-update madness.

9.  Oops. Will.

10. Will ‘like’ insanely stupid stuff on facebook, just to be nice.

11. Unless it is really stupid.

12. It’s really stupid. It’s going to get snarked.

13. Will refrain from posting snopes proof of bogus items.

14. Fail. Will post snopes proof but will be nice about it.

15. Fail. Will post snopes proof and be vicious.

16. Going forward, will post only pretty thoughts, haiku, and fluffy kitten videos.

17. Will project extreme kindness and goodwill.

18. Will write book on extreme kindness and goodwill.

19. Will slowly go insane from extreme kindness, goodwill, and snark-withdrawal.

20. Will rebound. Big time. God help you all. 


A review of 2015's top ten stupid social media habits

 1. The shame game in which one shames people for being human.

 2. The deluxe edition of shame game in which one shames people for shaming people.

 3. Photographing little kids who are scared or sad (as opposed to, say, comforting them).

 4. People who do #3 then post how much they care about suffering in the world.

 5. Gofundme drives for things people can either do without or can save for.

 6. Feel-good awareness drives on facebook that involve dedication, aka ‘liking’ a post. 

 7. Supposedly funny videos of people seriously injuring themselves.

 8. Continued condemnation of all things American (without the benefit of a mirror).

 9. Grammar show-offs blithely unaware that ‘people in glass houses’ applies to them.

10. Dog owners who post ‘oh, poor dog’ when it attacks a child.


A prediction: Top five stupid social media habits on the way in 2016

1. Universal complete and utter intolerance to every single thing in existence.

2. Gofundme becomes the way people get funded to buy coffee at Starbucks.

3. Parents who film their frightened children ramp it up by adding weapons for props.

4. Dog owners start facebook petitions to sue people for getting in the way of their dog’s jaws.

5. ‘Awareness’ drives grow more ‘likes’ while the ‘humane’ in ‘humanity’ continues to decline.


Wistful thinking: Top five trends I would really really really like to see in 2016

1. Everybody wakes up, realizes how ridiculous we’ve become, and smartens up.

2. Children filmed while frightened or sad learn how to use the camera to film parents in the throes of grief, fear or pain. The parents finally get it.

3. Gofundme is restored as a tool to help people who actually need help.

4. Canadians finally figure out how to have national pride without comparing themselves favourably against Americans. 

5. Racism will be reviled, sexism will be reviled, ageism will be reviled. Dogs will become pets again, and no longer be raised as human children. Children will be free again, not tied to the ‘safety’ of video games to keep them protected from imaginary monsters ‘out there’. Married people will find each other again, and become first to each other rather than a distant second to the kid. Social media will ‘like’ it all, and life will go on.

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About the Author

This bio was written by Jo Slade. As you can see she has written about herself in the third person. What normal person would do that? They just wouldn't. Who knows how many other persons might be involved in this thing, a second person? Another third? I worry about it. I - she - we - can't even keep it straight, this paragraph is a damn mess, there are persons all over the place. Round 'em up and shoot 'em. That's what I'd do, and by golly I think that's what Jo Slade would do as well.

Biographic nutshell: Jo has been messing around with words for a long time. Sometimes she'll just say words instead of writing them, it saves on paper.

The columns that appear here are of a highly serious and scholarly nature, therefore it is advised that you keep a dictionary and ponderous thoughts nearby.

If, after reading so many thought-provoking words, you find yourself tossing and turning at night, burning with the need to email me, just do it. I answer to [email protected]

The views expressed are strictly those of the author and not necessarily those of Castanet. Castanet does not warrant the contents.

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