Stop me if you've heard this one before.

Lindsay Lohan walks into a bar. 

She pays multiple visits to the restroom, emerging much later rockin’ a nose so red that she may even get a movie role... as Rudolph! Doesn’t Hollywood make some new Christmas movie every year? Maybe she can finally land a part.

These Lohan stories are as novel as "Leo DiCaprio bags another model," or "Kim Kardashian sells soul once again."

Why do I bring this up? You see, last night I had a nightmare about Lohan.

I’m visiting a friend in the Landmark III building, and waiting for the elevator. The doors open, and there’s Lindsay.

The elevator door doesn’t close.

“Are you going to keep them open?” I ask, as my gaze travels from the elevator door towards her legs in a not-so-subtle fashion. Hey, this is my dream; I figure I can be snarky.

“WHAT!?!” She screams.

“The doors, LiLo.” I say.

“Oh, right. Yeah,” she says.

The doors close.

“Going down?” I ask.

“Only if you can get me a movie role,” she retorts.

“No, no. Like down to a lower floor,” I explain.

“Oh yeah. Sorry. Old habits,” she says.

I wake up, and realize that these dreams are probably going to be become a more frequent occurrence as I rot my brain scouring stories about the likes of Lohan and Kardashian.

So anyway, here’s the real story I was reading yesterday….

On Sunday night, a Radar Online source claims that at a SAG Awards party at Chateau Marmont, Blohan Lohan slurred her words and her eyes were so damn glassy that you could've cut a line on them.

"Lindsay was spotted going to the restroom with a male companion on numerous occasions in a short amount of time. When the two of them emerged from the bathroom, Lindsay was giggling and her nose appeared red. Lindsay was spotted only drinking water in the lounge area, but she appeared to be loaded on something, and she seemed under the influence.

Lindsay's eyes were glassy and her pupils were constricted. [She] was definitely on something. She was slurring her words, and needed help walking at one point in the course of the night. Lindsay was sitting on a chair adjacent to Harvey Weinstein's party - his was roped off and she didn't get past the rope. So she sat on the other side looking over. She looked bedraggled and desperate."

As expected, LiLo's people are denying everything.

How does Cokey McCokerson Lohan continue to successfully evade any consequences for her actions? What message does this send to today's youth that still look up to her? Scratch that -- the Mean Girls/Freaky Friday days are well behind her.

On that note, what message is Rihanna sending to young women by hanging out with Chris Brown again?

I think that's the more serious issue here, but that's a whole other story... we'll continue to follow that story and see if it leads anywhere (sure hope she comes to her senses).

Hot Trailer: Game Change

HBO has made a film documenting the 2008 election from the perspective of the McCain/Palin campaign.

Look for Julianne Moore as Sarah Palin (scary resemblance), Ed Harris as John McCain (another scary resemblance) and Woody Harrelson as McCain campaign manager Steve Schmidt. It airs March 10.

The term TMI, which stands for Too Much Information, has been exceedingly overused in the last few years. Thankfully, it has more or less traveled down the same lonely path as “Talk To The Hand.”

But Saturday night, an incident arose in which the subsequent media analysis has become pure TMI material.

Performing at the funeral of singer Etta James, The Voice judge Christina Aguilera had something streaming down her leg. Both source and substance of said liquid are being scrutinized by the media; her publicity machine is calling it orange tanner but others are calling it a visit from Aunt Flo.

Check out the video of Miss Aguilera’s performance below. Don’t you love her appropriate funeral attire? And what’s with all the straining and squatting? Perhaps she thinks she’s auditioning for a going-into-labour scene.

It’s painful. And disturbing.

Let’s leave this story alone – never to be brought up again.

To me, the mystery of the unknown flowing liquid is best left unsolved.

Must-see film: The Artist

The Artist, nominated for 10 Academy awards, made its Okanagan debut on Friday night at the Paramount downtown. It has won many major awards, and on Saturday director Michael Hazanavicious (say that 10 times, fast) captured the coveted Directors Guild Award. Just last night, actor Jean Dujardin won the SAG Award for Best Actor.

The Help may have dominated the other awards at last night’s SAGs, but don’t expect a Best Picture Oscar for it. As it stands, I’d say the Best Picture Oscar race is between The Artist and The Descendants.

If you’re procrastinating about seeing the film because it’s a) black and white and b) silent, let me assure you that you’ll be entertained. Isn’t that what we mainly go to the movies for? Does it matter that the film lacks dialogue or colour?

I won’t lie: before we saw the film on Friday I was skeptical. I wasn’t sure what to expect, and just hoped for the best. It only took about five minutes for my wife and I to become fully absorbed in the story.

By the time the movie came to an end, (it’s not long – running at about 90 minutes) it was clear that we had just witnessed an extraordinary achievement in film. It isn’t my favorite film of the year (I found myself more emotionally invested in The Descendants as well as Midnight in Paris), but in 10 years from now I know I won’t forget The Artist.

Go see it!

Stretch Armstrong movie saved 

Do we really need a movie based on a toy doll that you can pull like taffy?

Universal pulled (pardon the pun) out of the deal, but Relativity media has now partnered with Hasbro to produce the film. Twilight star Taylor Lautner, whose film Abduction totally bombed at the box office, was slated to play Stretch but apparently his star status has been stretched a bit thin.

It's bad enough they spent $200 million on a movie based on Battleship.

But Stretch Armstrong? If the Castanet MoodMeter were available, I'd vote Bored. 

Lea Michele wants to be noticed

Speaking of the SAG Awards, I was pretty bored late yesterday afternoon without a football game to watch (the Pro Bowl doesn’t count) so I turned to E! for their red carpet coverage.

I hate to admit that I actually get a kick out of seeing what the stars are wearing. I’m no fashion guru, but it seems that most of the choices were generally on the conservative side.

Maybe not so much for Glee star Lea Michele, who is one of the main reasons why I can’t bring myself to watch even a minute of that show (although the first season was brilliant).

She’s definitely beautiful, but that cloying personality is a monster turn off. Everything about her – and last night’s outfit is no different -  just screams, “Notice me! Notice me!”

Her gown is nice enough I guess (what do I know?), but that spacious opening up the leg is a serious cry for attention.

That thing goes up so high it’s practically making a run for the border between her hip and her pubic bone.

We get it, Lea Michele. We can’t NOT get it.

Yet here we are talking about it, so I guess she’s getting the attention she wants. *sigh*

To say that Youtube sensation Susan Boyle’s life has changed dramatically over the last few months would be a tremendous understatement. Boyle is set to participate in the Britain’s Got Talent finals this weekend, and it appears as if the pressure is taking its toll on the Scottish singer.

Boyle stunned everyone when in the lobby of the Wembley Plaza Hotel in North London, went into a meltdown in front of hundreds of hotel guests. Cops intervened after she went berserk when two strangers set out to "wind her up". Boyle was heard to roar: "How f-ing dare you! You can't f-ing talk to me like that."

One of two cops stationed at the hotel went up and asked: "Is there a problem?"

Susan, dubbed SuBo, roared: "Of course there's a f-ing problem."

The headline in UK’s The Sun yesterday even read “SuBo gone Loco.”

I’m sure it must have been bizarre to see this mild-mannered woman freak out like that, dropping F-bombs like she was Christian Bale. However, it’s understandable given the pressure she must be under. But did you know that Boyle actually threatened to quit the show?

According to judge Piers Morgan, who appeared on the CBS Early Show, Boyle “threatened to leave the show because of the sheer amount of pressure on her. You have to remember with Susan, she's a 48-year-old lady from a tiny village in Scotland who has never been exposed to anything like this kind of attention. And I think she's really feeling the heat." Morgan also wants everyone to lay off her and leave her alone.

I like Susan Boyle. And I understand her having to deal with these extraordinary changes to her life. But what if she wins and becomes an even bigger star? Will she be able to adapt enough to cope with the fame? If it’s all about talent, that 12-year-old boy, Shaheen Jafargholi (check him out on Youtube if you don't believe), should win easily.

Susan's temper Boyles over

Get your fall TV schedule right now

Want to plan your fall evenings well in advance? Zap2it has the fall schedule for all the major networks in an easy-to-navigate graphic. Just click the day and you’ll see what’s on for the night. Just don’t get too attached to any of the new shows, as more than half of them will likely get canceled. (ABC, you are still not forgiven for Life on Mars or Pushing Daisies. You’re dead to me… until the fall).

Cool stuff!

TV addicts can mark their calendars now

Homeless Lady Superhero to the Stars films commercial

A few weeks ago, I posted a video of former Idol runner-up Katherine McPhee being rescued from the paparazzi by a Hollywood homeless woman. The woman, Quween, who today may or may not be homeless, has joined McPhee in a hilarious Funnyordie.com skit.

The two women star in the bit that promotes Quween as the savior for all b to z-listers in Hollywood. Want a good laugh? This is it! Some classic lines from the vid:

“Running late for a meeting? I’ll yell at the clock til things get right!”

“Coffee too hot? I’ll blow on that sht and fk it UUUP! Ya heard?”

Step off, Susan Boyle. There’s a new Quween in town, bitches.

Hancock 2: Quween Saves The Day is looking more and more like a possibility...

Miley Cyrus’s star is falling - at least in the land of Disney

A few months ago I reported on a potential dispute between the Cyrus family and Disney, citing that Miley and Billy Ray wanted out of their Hannah Montana contract. At the time the news was merely speculation.

But today TMZ is reporting that Disney is only paying Miley $5,000 for a week of work for her guest appearance on Disney's "The Suite Life on Deck", which airs in June. 5k for a whole week of work? Most Z-listers make more than that in one night. I think it’s safe to take this as a sign that Hannah Montana’s days are numbered.

Could this mean the beginning of the end of Miley Cyrus’s (supposed) clean-cut image? As soon as the Mouse lets her loose from Disney, can we assume that it’s a safe bet that Miley will soon enter the Britney zone? Come on, don’t say you can’t see that coming.

Only five gran'ah for Hannah Montana

WHOA! Blossom! You need a makeover, sis.

Where’s Joey Lawrence when you need him?

Mayim Bialik, star of the popular Blossom sitcom - which aired from 1991 to 1995 (damn I feel old) - is in dire need of a makeover. If you’ve seen any of her TV guest spots lately, you’ll know what I mean.

Bialik is the first test subject for tonight’s season premiere of TLC’s What Not To Wear. Stacey and Clinton will apparently not spare Blossom their fashion tough love, and if you’re curious how they treat a former celeb, you’ll want to tune in. The link below contains a TLC preview.

Wait, you mean TLC is actually spending resources on something OTHER than Jon and Kate? Isn’t that the only show TLC cares about? Go turn on your TV and flip to the TV guide right now (doesn’t matter what time it is when you read this). Check the listings for TLC. Bet they’re showing Jon and Kate. Grrr!

A real reason to watch TLC

Take me Up or Drag Me To Hell

Two new films open in theatres this week, Pixar’s first 3D animated film, Up, and Sam Raimi’s horror film, Drag Me to Hell. Whereas last week’s two big openers were critically bashed, this week’s new films are both becoming critical darlings. As of this afternoon, Up was at 98% on the Tomatometer and Hell was at 95%. This is rare for two big movies to open up with such high critical acclaim.

Expect Up to rake in at least $60 million this weekend, and Hell to come in under $20 million. Locally, UP is showing in 3D at Cineplex Orchard Plaza and Drag Me to Hell is showing at the Landmark Grand 10.

Joke of the day

At the NBC Comedy Showcase last Tuesday, journalists signed a non-disclosure pact not to report what was said. But now that some information was leaked, we didn't get to hear the joke that Jimmy Fallon told about his boss, NBC head-honcho Jeff Zucker: What do you get if Jeff Zucker marries Courtney Cox? A Cox-Zucker.

Oh, don't gasp like that.

The American Idol season has been over for a week now, but the scandals keep coming. And this one may be the biggest.

The New York Times is reporting that AT&T, whose mobile phone network is the only one that can be used to cast Idol votes via text message, provided free text-messaging services at two parties in Arkansas after the final performance episode of the show last week, according to the company and people at the events. There appear to have been no similar efforts to provide free texting services to supporters of Adam Lambert, who finished as the runner-up to Kris Allen.

AT&T staff assisted Kris fans at the two Arkansas events by providing instructions on how to send 10 or more text messages at the press of a single button, known as power texts. Power texts have an exponentially greater effect on voting than do single text messages or calls to the show’s toll-free phone lines (which can be very difficult to get through to).

The first thing I think when I read this is, “How can two parties in Arkansas affect the vote that much?” Likely not much. But assuming that the vote would be close (which it wasn’t), every additional vote for Allen would be necessary.

Regardless of whether this additional support for Kris affected the vote, AT&T’s actions are suspect and should be scrutinized. In fact, AT&T’s efforts appear to violate American Idol’s voting rules. The show broadcasts an on-screen statement at the end of each episode warning that blocks of votes cast using “technical enhancements” that unfairly influence the outcome of voting can be thrown out.

This stinks. Upon further sniffing, it appears to have a similar bouquet as the 2000 Palm Beach, Florida vintage. Hey, American Idol is fun to watch. But this story is further proof that the reality portion, at least with respect to voting, is as contrived as The Hills.

Other Idol news: Now that both Allen and Lambert have been forced to release the innocuous song No Boundaries as their first single, it appears as if America really does prefer Kris Allen. According to Soundscan, Kris is outselling Adam by a wide margin past week. The numbers:

Kris Allen- 134,458, Adam Lambert - 35,984

Let's just call it AT&T Idol

Jon and Kate bigger than J-Lo

Speaking of contrived television, after Jon and Kate Plus 8’s monstrous ratings success on Monday (9.8 million viewers!), TLC has decided to pull the plug on a reality show featuring Jennifer Lopez. The reality show with J-Lo would concentrate on the behind-the-scenes creation of a new J-Lo fragrance. Lopez insisted that her kids not be involved in the show.

A TLC source told TMZ, "It was on life support for awhile, and now we've just lost interest."

I’m no fan of J-Lo, but is Kate more important than Ms. Lopez? Hells to the no! And who knew that pretending to get a divorce and whoring out your eight children could rake in enough ratings to tell J-Lo to go screw herself? What has this world come to??? I hope this decision comes back to bite TLC in the ass.

Kate's hair, 1. J-Lo's booty, 0.

Aqua returns, but this ain’t no Barbie Girl

Remember Aqua? Don’t lie and say you don’t. Who can forget one of the greatest guilty pleasures of all time? Barbie Girl, Dr. Jones and Lollipop Candyman were huge back in 1997.

The Scandinavian band is attempting a comeback. Here they are again with a new song called Back To The 80’s. It’s catchy, but it’s nowhere near as good as Barbie Girl. It may catch on, but to me, this is just a lame attempt at a comeback. Sad.

What do you think?

Paging Dr. Jones. Barbie Girl on line 3. She says she misses you.

Brooke Hogan films most awkward video ever

We know that Brooke Hogan is one hot mess, but who knew that she had it in her to portray herself to be even MORE of a nutcase than ever?

On Monday night Brooke turned on her webcam and uploaded this video to Youtube. In this six-minute epic, Brooke decides to take on one of the essential debates of our time: red apples vs. green apples. I hereby dare you to watch all six minutes and thirteen seconds of this incoherent, rambling mess.

Hogan is drunk, high or both here. If she’s sober, it’s time to call the closest mental health professional. Either way, this girl is messed up.
On the bright side, without her makeup, Brooke actually looks younger. Every awkward video has its silver lining…

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree