The other day, someone told me that they wished that advertising would just go away. She said enough was enough and that she just wished the noise would finally stop. Being overwhelmed by the constant torrent of “look at me” can certainly be exhausting, and for some, reason enough to wish it dead and gone. Can we ever escape or is advertising something that will remain with us forever?

In the US right now there is a concerted attempt to brand banks and credit card companies as mustache-twirling evil overlords dedicated to filleting the average consumer for all they’re worth – and then taking even more. Now, far be it from me to defend big corporations against anything. They’re grownups and more than capable of fighting their own fights. When it comes to credit cards and the banks that back them I’ve had plenty of issues over the years but I have a fairly hard time getting down on them as especially evil or greedy. Compared to whom, I would ask? Yes, they charge ridiculous rates of interest which, piled upon itself, can be so crushing that it would squeeze the life from even the sunniest optimist. But there is always a silver bullet. Don’t use them. It’s their card alright but it’s my credit, so accept the fault where it inevitably lies and cut the darn things up.
Some feel differently though. There is a belief that people of less means or circumstance are clearly impaired in other ways as well (read: dumb) so card companies, just like fast food outfits and mortgage lenders before them, fleece these simple minded rubes by making it too easy for them to do what they shouldn’t. Whether it’s buying houses they can’t afford or eating food that’s no good for them, their choices alone are viewed as proof of their incapability of making sound decisions. It is therefore the duty of those sharper on the uptake to protect said innocents from themselves. One such fine fellow is Hollywood director, Ron Howard.

As it happens, Mr. Howard recently directed a video for “Funny or Die,” a comedy website “where celebrities, established and up-and-coming comedians and regular users can all put up stuff they think is funny” while normal folks vote on what’s “funny” and what deserves to “die.” Very democratic and very clear, or so I thought.

His video, titled as a PSA (public service announcement) stars Heidi Montag of “The Hills” (don’t ask – it’s really not worth a second more of your time) in a self-mocking portrayal of brain-dead, neo-celebrity as she details the extra fees she would have paid for her copious amounts of plastic surgery had she been “tricked” by credit cards and their banking masters into paying exorbitant interest rates for procedures she couldn’t actually afford. The whole commercial is funny but it’s pure advocacy for the creation of yet another consumer protection agency for credit issues. It’s an ad but it plays like a Saturday Night Live skit. So here we have a “comedy piece” playing on a “comedy website” posting real contact numbers for real-live US Senators and special interest groups. Talk about having your cake and eating it too. It looks like satire, a joke, a simple poke at reality. Yet its message is as clear and specific as any drunk driving or anti-smoking PSA. It’s nothing more than an ad, through and through. Is nothing sacred anymore? Not even comedy?

I should talk. My own point of view bleeds pretty profusely into this column more often than not. I consider it being basically true to who I am. Like it or not, all communication is advertising for something or other. Whether it be shoes, soap or political points of view, the very act of telling others about something is advertising. It always was, and it always will be. So rather than fear a world of relentless advertising I would suggest a more proactive course of action. Learn to recognize ads when they appear – it is getting harder after all - and then spend some time getting to know your self better. Having your own thoughtful opinion on the world is way better than waiting for Opie Cunningham and Heidi from “The Hills” to spell it out for you.

What does a company do when their sales more or less top out? I mean, what happens when the public at large sort of settles on how and when and where a product is used and that’s it? No matter what Acme Corp does they can’t find any further way to increase sales dramatically. The top is the top. Think of ketchup. People already put it on far more things than they should. In fact, it’s pretty hard to argue that anything still exists food-wise that ketchup has yet to be a part of. Ketchup companies (oh, who am I kidding, Heinz is the only one that matters) have pretty much maximized how their product is utilized. Consumption is fixed. But what if some smarty in a back room figured out a way to use ketchup for dessert? Try to suppress the gag reflex you’re experiencing and go with me on this one. If Heinz somehow found a way to make ketchup a part of daily desserts then it would be viewed by many in a whole new light, thus stimulating interest and exponentially increasing sales in ways never before imagined.

So what about maxi pads? Moving awkwardly adjacent from what now seems to be a remarkably ill-chosen ketchup analogy, Poise (makers of various pad-based protection products for women) appears to have found a way to sell into a market that heretofore did not expressly exist. Tossing out an acronym for a problem said to affect as many as 1 in 3 women, Poise has found their future: LBL or Light Bladder Leakage. Now, don’t feel bad if you haven’t exactly heard of it yet. I did a somewhat unofficial survey among the women in my life and received feedback more along the lines of “what the heck is wrong with you?” versus any knowing look of recognition or concern. It doesn’t matter though. Like ED before it, LBL is about to become a part of your life too.

Hiring Whoopi Goldberg to appear in a series of “humorously themed webisodes,” Poise educates the ladies on the need for more discussion surrounding the “reality” of LBL. Playing alternately Joan of Arc, Mona Lisa, Statue of Liberty model, Cleopatra, Eve, Helen of Troy and more, Whoopi confronts the issue of surprise leaks with her own smooth as sandpaper method of discourse. When you’re known for crass and bawdy, discussing slight urine spritzes comes across as politely measured and demure – meaning few other “personalities” could have pulled off the spots quite as effectively.

Poise has done it all. Web ads, information packets, at-home parties for “ladies who laugh,” a website, interviews, profiles, doctor’s suggestions – all chock full of information designed to smash down the walls of ignorance and shame. Oh yes, shame – apparently there is a massive amount of shame involved in this issue as well, meaning further space is provided to building overall self-esteem and pride in the fact that every now and again laughing too hard might make you pee. It’s amazing. Poise has taken something that simply happens, built it into a “thing,”, proven that lack of discussion about said “thing” has stigmatized it and then makes a big production out of shining a light on the “thing” to de-mystify it for all – finally making the world safe for open and proud consumption of products to address the “thing” in question. Check it out here:

1 in 3 like me

It’s almost a work of art. Kind of like what happened with erectile dysfunction. I didn’t know I had it to worry about until they told me I did. Then, by helpfully providing a product to fix a problem I never knew I had, ED finally became something I thankfully didn’t have to worry about any longer. It is exhausting finding new problems only long enough to solve them so we plebs can return to the blissful ignorance we previously enjoyed by default. God help me if I ever realize I might die someday before they find a cure. I don’t know what I’ll do...

Anyway, Poise appears ready to reap the rewards of making official that which simply was, and by providing pretty much the same pads they were already making Poise is likely to increase sales they once thought could go no higher. It’s not all bad though. Think about it. Women get to be drier and more comfortable while we men get to continue behaving the way we always did. No more stopping the joke just because she says you’re gonna make her pee. Poise already took care if it, so laugh your heads off girls, ‘cause thankfully everything’s going to be okay.

Nobody likes to admit they’re wrong. Heck, people will go to absurd lengths to avoid the great big grimy stain of recognition. Ever look in the face of the guy turning left through that searing red light? No, because he’s far too busy staring forward all dead-eyed as he pretends you don’t exist and that the light is not actually red-red. He’d rather risk a broadside than admit the mistake and like most of us, figures it’s just better to keep on moving and hope to God no one notices.

Until they do.

And when that happens, boy can things ever get ugly. Whether you’re the left-turn loser begging for mercy from the cop that finally caught you or a golf-playing, sex addict with the imprint of a 9-iron upside your face, getting what you got coming can be painful as hell. Poor Charlie Sheen had to stop production on his $800,000 plus weekly paycheque to face his demons while Tiger finally sucked it up and said “sorry” before zipping off to some high-priced personality-rinse center. Facing the music is never easy but redemption, as distant as it may sometimes seem, is actually a hop-skip and a jump from owing up to the problem in the first place.

Now, I have stated before I am no connoisseur of great food. My palate is about as unsophisticated as they come. Give me ketchup chips and a cherry coke and it’s like I died and went to heaven. I like the hot dogs, the burgers, the pizza and the chips. I appreciate the effort that goes into good food but I don’t need it to be happy. I’m not all that picky when it comes to food. But goodness, do I ever friggen hate Domino’s pizza.

Lifeless, tasteless, boring and lame. Their toppings are as see through as Lady Gaga and look like they fell off the truck at least twice on their way to the store. The “cheese” they use shares more in common with a crude oil by-product while the sauce they smear makes the remnants of a salsa bowl seem tasty be comparison. I would venture a guess there’s more folks willing to stake their careers on the infallibility of climate science than the inherent tastiness of a Domino’s pizza. How can they do this? Do they not realize it? And if they did, do they care?

Well, apparently the CEO of Domino’s had a vision or was perhaps force-fed some of his company’s product but whatever it was, things happened. Domino’s did some serious soul searching and decided that instead of looking away and pretending nothing was wrong that they would instead make it right. That they made their whole mea culpa into one giant ad campaign is simply icing...well, sauce on the pie.

The website The Pizza Turnaround Documentary lays it out as clear as day. Facing down the complaints, Domino’s took a hard look at reality and admitted that they needed to make drastic changes. Tossing everything out, they went from the kitchen counter up – new crust, new sauce, new cheese (actual cheese they brag – making me ask again, what in hell was it before?). While it’s almost impossible to not appreciate the effort they’ve put into this re-work I still wonder what their high-paid, taste-challenged chefs were doing for the last 15 years. I mean, did none of them ever eat this flat-fest they called a pizza? My only guess is that the attitude at corporate must have been “it’s good enough, let it be.” Not anymore. Domino’s say they fixed it.

The ads show them re-visiting the original complainers of their primary focus groups. They offer the new pizza for critique and to a man and lady alike, all seem sincerely happy with the result. So like most celebs after that first fall from grace, any seemingly genuine attempts to make amends is rewarded with praise. No one is perfect but trying to get better is worth a hug any day of the week. Unless you’re Canadian.

While Domino’s was all too eager to admit their pizza was dreck, it seems that sentiment is not exactly the case up here in the true north strong and free. The Canadian arm of Domino’s is not planning any changes – meaning the recipe Domino’s corporate admitted was crapola is still good enough for a country full of hop-happy Canucks too passive to moan and complain. I’d like to be ticked at them but if we’re so willing to stand ludicrously patient in the infinity line-ups at Tim Horton’s for the privilege of getting a coffee plus an ass-inflating donut maybe we’re the ones that need rehab. “Hello, my name is Canada and I think I might possibly need to be slightly more assertive.” You can’t get help if you don’t ask.

It’s Oscar time and one of the hallmarks in the massive lead up to all the high-falutin’ nominations and subsequent awards being passed around is the process itself. Studios go to a lot of trouble to get their films nominated in the first place. Expensive ad campaigns, parties, freebies, screenings, home visits, you name it. And there are lots of reasons for the fuss. Things like prestige, hipper contacts, better tables in restaurants, artistic credibility and the like are a sort of pseudo-currency in Hollywood, and often matter more than the actual money itself. But of course, money does matter and Oscar winners usually make more of it than they would otherwise.

And when it comes to the nexus of money and Oscar few are more skilled than Mr. Harvey Weinstein. Harvey and his brother were the powers behind Miramax Films and it became almost an industry joke at how efficiently they could get Oscar noms and wins for their films. Even when they sold their firm to Disney and went on their own, they still showed an ability to get the attention their films needed. There’s no question that they’re good at what they do, displaying a near uncanny knack for picking good properties and then knowing exactly how to sell them.

Well, acclaimed fashion designer, Tom Ford directed a film. It’s called “A Single Man” and it’s based on the 1964 Christopher Isherwood novel of the same name. Considered by some as something of a seminal novel for gay liberation, the book is extremely well-known and respected in certain circles. In an interview with INDIEWire, Ford himself explained how much doing the film meant to him, saying it was “the thing I’ve done in my life that I’m most proud of.” And the story goes that one of the main reasons he agreed to sell distribution rights to Weinstein was based on Harvey’s rep (and guarantee) that he would get lots of folks to see it and do whatever it took to get an Oscar for the film. So what did he do?

There was a minor controversy sparked in the gay community when it appeared that posters and trailers promoting the film had been “de-gayed” somewhat. First, a one-sheet movie poster was struck with a shot of Colin Firth and Julianne Moore alone. Seemingly very hetero, in both looks and appearance. The trailer, though basically unchanged, had apparently scrubbed all overt references to homosexuality. Man-on-man kiss, gone. Lustful looks between gentlemen, gone. Swim-suited fellows running happily in the surf together, clipped and gone. All mysteriously absent in less than a nod. Interesting, no?

So was it an attempt to sell one thing as something else? I mean, no one changed the movie. It stayed the same. But the tools designed specifically to draw in the crowds began using a slightly different narrative. They never said anything specific – it’s all implied but I’ve seen both trailers and while it is obviously the same film a viewer does indeed receive two very different pictures of what the film is about.

And the trailer is a big deal. For me, some of the coolest ads in the world are movie trailers. Finding a way to get folks frothed up enough about a film to actually dislodge their ass from the dent in the sofa is a tall order. And if ma and pa think they might be even a little bit “uncomfortable” seeing something they’ll likely skip a film they might otherwise go see – and even possibly like. But is it fair?

People would call that SlapChop dude a bald faced liar if he showed folks how to chop up a few little things and then implied ANYTHING was fair game for it’s oh-so shiny blades (hey……wait a minute, he does!). So maybe that’s what they all do. Is advertising truly little more than a bait and switch, ensuring we must simply do our own research before we go anywhere near anything at all? Caveat Emptor and all that?

I guess so. I mean it’s unfortunate that as consumers we can’t be trusted to hear the truth about what’s on offer, or that we need to be fed a story or we’ll never make the leap to purchase. What if that stupid SlapChop contraption is actually a pretty good gadget after all? We’d be grateful for the push. Ah, I don’t know. The whole thing makes me want to just zone out and go see a movie or something. I was going to go see “A Single Man” because I heard it was really good, but now I doubt it. It seemed a little gay for me.

Believe it or not, but The AdFool is on the road. Well, not on the road – more down the street. I’ll be presenting at the Okanagan Institute’s Express series at the Bohemian Café at 524 Bernard Avenue on Thursday, Feb 25, 2010 at 5pm. The topic is “Writing for Laughs” so come on down and see what a mistake they made in picking me. Details here:

Writing for Laughs